LukeStay.com

I used to do a regular post on Facebook and Myspace back in the day called Top 5. I ran out of ideas and people seemed relatively uninterested, so I stopped doing it. Crystal wanted me to bring it back and her and Cara’s posts on irrational fears seemed like a good opportunity to get it going again. So I’m bringing back the Top 5. I’m going to try and do it weekly, but you know me, so no guarantees. Without further ado, my top 5 irrational fears:

5. Barking Dogs Chasing Me – I’ve pretty much grown out of this one, but as a child, dogs used to scare me to death. I’m not saying a huge pit bull barreling toward me, frothing at the mouth wouldn’t send me diving over a fence, but dogs and I seem to have come to some sort of truce. They don’t chase me and I don’t run. But when I was a young lad, I remember playing in a park in Provo while visiting my Grandpa when a dog came charging at me. Now the dog was probably a Labrador at the largest, but I was a late bloomer and must’ve been all of 7 at the time, so he was probably twice my size (I say he because I don’t think I took the time to notice the sex of the dog as it came at me with the clear intention to devour me whole and a male dog just seems so much more menacing to me, unless maybe it was female and I had insulted her kids or eaten the last of the chocolate or something (I’m going to be in big trouble when MegRuth reads this … on second thought, lets make it a female dog, that seems a lot more threatening to me at this point)). So I noticed the dog charging at me full speed and I took off as fast as my little legs could carry me. I must have run the full circumference of the park, but she did not so much as break her stride. Her eyes were fixed on me every time I looked back. Then, suddenly, I tripped. I remember thinking as I went down that I was done for and everything slipped into slow motion as my life flashed before my eyes. The dog showed no mercy. She didn’t slow down a bit. The next thing I knew, she ran right over me. As I got up to nurse my wounds, she came back for seconds. I brushed myself off and she started licking my face. I don’t remember who was with me, but I do remember them rolling on the floor laughing at me.

Then there was the time I was chased around Tyler’s living room by their Miniature Schnauzer, but we won’t go into that one.

4. The “Guy in the Back Seat” Urban Legend – As ridiculous as I know this one is, every time I’m driving alone at night, I catch myself checking the back seat of my car for any possible intruders. I don’t know what I expect to find other than 3-month-old Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, but I’ll be driving along and the thought will just pop in my head. No matter how hard I try, I can’t dismiss it. I have to check the back seat. One of these days though, it’s going to save my life. I assure you. Either that or some angry dog is going to jump out and chase me around the block.

3. Uncovered Windows at Night – I don’t know what it is about this, but it creeps me out. I’m not scared of the dark. I’m not scared of the outdoors. I’m not scared of the woods, but for some reason, when I’m inside, I can’t stand seeing the dark outside. Maybe it has to do with people being able to see in, but me not being able to see out. I don’t know, but I don’t even like leaving windows open at night with the blinds closed. I’m scared someone’s going to break in or something. Or if there’s no screen? Forget about it! Think of all the strange bugs that could crawl inside and end up in my mouth for me to swallow while I’m sleeping. No thanks. I’m on a strict, no-insect diet. Crickets make me break out.

2. The Deep Sea – Don’t get me wrong, I love the ocean. I love going to the beach. I love boogey boarding and body surfing. Someday I want to learn to surf. I’ve been parasailing and jetskiing, scuba diving and snorkeling, I’ve even been to Bali. But if I find myself swimming too far past the break, I start getting the willies, especially if I turn around and put the beach behind me. Something about that huge mass of dark unknown makes me feel like I could be swallowed up at any second. It reminds me of the Nothing from The Neverending Story.

“They seem like such big, strong hands, don’t they?” – then BAM, dead, swallowed up by the Nothing. No thank you. Not for me.

1. Ants – Just a little background on this one, I grew up in Houston, TX where a little species of ants called Fire Ants abound. I am highly allergic to the bites of these ants. One strategically placed bite and my whole foot could swell up; and it doesn’t just itch, it throbs, so there’s no easing your pain with a little scratch, you still feel the pain. There were many occasions where we’d be outside playing baseball or soccer or lighting things on fire and suddenly I’d feel a million little stings on my leg all at once. I’d look down and sure enough, my leg would be swarming with Fire Ants, biting down on my flesh with all their amazing might. I had just stepped into a Fire Ant mound, and they were defending their castle. Don’t worry, I declared war very early on, devoting my young life to the outright destruction of these mounds. If it were up to me, these ants would be extinct, and I feel like I got pretty close during my stay in Texas (get it, Stay in Texas? I’m a riot): I launched bottle rockets from them, loaded them with M-60s, doused them in WD-40 and lit them on fire, imagine a hate crime and I inflicted it on these vicious killers. But war does not come without its scars, and now I can’t see a swarm of ants without getting the willies, even if it’s on TV. The ant scene in the latest Indiana Jones was possibly the scariest moment in movie history for me, and it has nothing to do with the CGI.

So there you go. Feel free to leave your own top 5 in the comments, just like the old days.