In Theaters:
- Death Race – Jason “the Driver” Statham is sentenced to drive fast cars with guns fast in prison. It’s a remake … of awesomeness.
- The House Bunny – Anna Faris is a washed-up Playboy Bunny who takes a bunch of pretty girls in bad makeup and ugly clothes and teaches them how to strip for the boys attention. It’s an uplifting tale for the whole family. Based on true events (in the dreams of adolescent boys across the world).
- The Longshots – Ice Cube is a washed up High School football star who coaches his niece’s Pop Warner team in an effort to prove to girls around the world that they have to play with the boys to get anywhere in the world.
- The Rocker – Do not watch this movie. I don’t care how much you like The Office or Dwight Schrute. This movie is nothing more than a ploy to make the world a whole lot stupider. This movie has been proven to cause de-evolution. You have been warned.
On Video:
- Prom Night – Some dude kills a bunch of whiny teenagers on Prom night.
- Street Kings – Keanu plays a cop. Whoa.
- Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day – Frances McDormand is a washed-up nanny who accidentally becomes Amy Adams’ assistant. This one doesn’t look half bad, despite my lame tag line. I’m sure Megan already put it in the queue.